How to Give an Apology That Actually Repairs Your Relationship

Why “I’m sorry” isn’t enough for relationship repair—and what to do instead

We’ve all been there. The argument escalates, harsh words are exchanged, and suddenly someone storms out or hangs up the phone. Later, when the heat dies down, there’s that awkward attempt to smooth things over: “I’m sorry,” or “Let’s just move on,” or my personal favorite deflection, “We both said things we didn’t mean.”

But if you’re the one who was hurt, these lukewarm attempts at reconciliation probably leave you feeling worse, not better. There’s a reason for that: they’re not actually apologies. They’re relationship band-aids—quick fixes that might stop the immediate bleeding but do nothing to heal the underlying wound.

The Problem with “Moving On”

Here’s what I’ve learned about relationships in my decades of working with couples, adult family members, or friends: when someone repeatedly avoids taking genuine ownership of their hurtful behavior, they’re essentially asking the injured party to do all the emotional heavy lifting. They want the benefit of reconciliation without the discomfort of accountability.

This pattern is exhausting for the person who keeps getting hurt. Over time, they learn that bringing up their pain will be met with defensiveness, minimization, or pressure to “just get over it.” So they start building walls to protect themselves, and the relationship slowly erodes from a hundred unrepaired hurts.

When someone repeatedly avoids taking genuine ownership of their hurtful behavior, they’re essentially asking the injured party to do all the emotional heavy lifting. They want the benefit of reconciliation without the discomfort of accountability.

Kathy Rushing, Relationship Coach

What Makes an Apology Actually Work

Researchers and psychologists Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas looked into this common problem and discovered that meaningful apologies consist of five essential elements. Their book, The 5 Apology Languages: The Secret to Healthy Relationships, provides the building blocks of genuine repair: 

1. Express Genuine Regret

This goes beyond “I’m sorry you’re upset” (which isn’t an apology at all—it’s actually blame disguised as regret). Genuine regret gets specific about the hurt: “I’m sorry I raised my voice and said those cruel things about your parenting. I can see how much that hurt you.”

Notice the difference? You’re not apologizing for their reaction; you’re apologizing for your action.

2. Accept Full Responsibility

This is where most apologies fall apart. It’s the difference between saying “You’re right” and “I was wrong.” The first puts the burden on them to be correct; the second puts the accountability squarely on you.

Avoid these responsibility-dodging phrases:

• “I’m sorry if you were hurt.”
• “I’m sorry, but you also…”
• “We both said things…”
• “I was just stressed because…”

Instead, try: “I was wrong to hang up on you. There’s no excuse for that behavior, and I take full responsibility for escalating the conflict.”

3. Make Meaningful Restitution

Words are cheap when trust has been broken. What concrete action can you take to show you value the relationship? This might mean:

• Having the difficult conversation face-to-face instead of hiding behind texts
• Seeking counseling to address your conflict patterns
• Making specific changes to prevent the same dynamic from recurring

The key is asking: “What can I do to make this right?” and actually listening to the answer.

4. Commit to Genuine Change

Perhaps the most crucial element: what will you do differently next time? Vague promises like “I’ll try to do better” aren’t enough. Get specific:

• “Next time I feel overwhelmed in a conversation, I’ll ask for a five-minute break instead of storming off.”
• “I’m going to work with a therapist on managing my anger.”
• “When I disagree with your choices, I’ll express my concerns respectfully instead of attacking your judgment.”

5. Request (Don’t Demand) Forgiveness

Finally, give the injured party the power to choose their response. “Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?” acknowledges

Why This Feels So Hard

Let’s be honest: giving this kind of apology is uncomfortable. It requires you to sit with the reality that you genuinely hurt someone you care about. Facing your own capacity to cause hurt is not easy. Owning your part may require that you change, not just your behavior, but potentially long-standing patterns that have served you (even if they’ve hurt others).

But here’s what I’ve learned from years of helping couples repair their relationships: the discomfort of a genuine apology is nothing compared to the slow death of a relationship built on unrepaired hurts.

When Someone Won’t Accept Your Apology

Sometimes, even after a genuine apology, the other person may not be ready to forgive. That’s their right. You can’t rush or demand forgiveness. Your job is to demonstrate through consistent actions over time that your apology was sincere.

This might mean:

• Understanding that some relationships may need professional help to heal
• Accepting that rebuilding trust takes time
• Not pressuring them to “get over it” on your timeline
• Continuing to honor your commitments to change, even when it’s hard

The Gift of Real Reconciliation

When done right, a genuine apology doesn’t just repair the immediate damage—it actually strengthens the relationship. It shows that you value the other person enough to be uncomfortable, to be vulnerable, to change. It demonstrates that the relationship matters more than your ego.

I’ve seen marriages transformed when spouses learn to apologize this way. It’s one of the habits that healthy couples practice. I’ve watched adult family members and friends heal old wounds. It’s not easy work, but it’s some of the most important work we can do in our relationships.

The Bottom Line

If you’ve hurt someone you care about, you have a choice. You can continue to smooth things over with superficial apologies, hoping they’ll eventually stop bringing it up. Or you can do the harder, braver thing: own your part completely, commit to genuine change, and give them the space to heal.

A sincere apology doesn’t aim to make you feel better or stop the other person from being upset with you. It’s about honoring the harm you’ve caused and taking responsibility for repair. It’s about choosing the health of your relationship over the comfort of your pride.

The question isn’t whether you’ll have to apologize in your relationships—we all hurt the people we love sometimes—but whether you’ll learn to do it in a way that actually heals.

Take a moment to reflect on a relationship in your life that could benefit from a genuine apology. What would it look like to take full responsibility without deflection or excuse? What specific changes could you commit to? Sometimes the bravest thing we can do is admit we were wrong—and mean it.

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For more information, email Info@kathyrushing.com  or click here to book your free consultation. 

Note: Based in Fort Collins, Colorado, I work with couples virtually (on Zoom) across the U.S. If you’re in the Fort Collins area, you can meet with me in person at my office in Old Town or on Zoom – whichever you prefer.