Love Is Not Enough

Falling in love is not hard.

But love is not enough, especially if you want a relationship that will last for decades.

Some people learn that truth and sear it into their minds. Others ink it into their skin so they never forget. If I could help couples understand that you can love someone deeply without being compatible, it would save so much heartache. If only there were a magic wand.

It gets confusing because sometimes the heart takes over before the mind can catch up. We watched this up close years ago when our oldest son was using a dating site to connect with potential dates. He went out with several “matches” who looked promising on paper, only to lose interest when nothing truly clicked in person.

Then came one relationship that did not just click. It ignited.

First, the flame

It burned fast and bright and just as quickly left him smoldering.

At first, they had so much in common. There was excitement in discovering shared interests and hopes. But she could not make him fit her expectations in certain areas. Shortly after they got engaged, she ended the relationship abruptly without trying to sort out their differences.

We watched our son go from hopeful and happy to heartsick. As parents, we reminded him of who he is, his kindness, his worth.

But our love was not enough to convince him.

That is the part that hurts most as a parent. We love them and worry and teach and cheer them on as they move towards adulthood. But we cannot choose their partners for them. I often told my kids, “Who you choose as your partner can make life heaven or hell on earth.” (It’s probably not easy having a mom who is a marriage counselor.)

Then the reminder

One evening, he called to tell me he had gotten his first tattoo.

“It’s something you’ve said about relationships,” he told me.

I have said many things, so I was curious, but waited.

When I finally saw it, permanently marked on his wrist, I smiled. If tattooing it is what it takes to remember, I am good with that.

“Love is not enough.” There it was in black and white.

Choosing a life partner goes much deeper than an initial feeling. It encompasses common interests and values, friendship. Things that last through the ebb and flow of a lifetime.

This was the message I focused on as our kids started dating. At the time, that message was about compatibility.But I later realized it carries another truth about marriage itself.

Fast forward a few years.

He is now married to a woman who loves him for who he is. She is his biggest cheerleader and encourager–as it should be. She would like him to remove the “not” from the tattoo, and I get that. She wants their love to be enough. SHE wants to be enough.

A third entity

When two people marry, something new is formed. It’s not just “me” and “you,” but “US”. That third entity encompasses more than two individuals. It’s a gestalt, something bigger than the two of you.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer** wrote from prison to dear friends before their wedding:

“It is not your love that sustains the marriage, but from now on, the marriage that sustains your love.” Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Letters and Papers from Prison

That means a shift in perspective. My needs are no longer the only priority, nor are my spouse’s. We begin asking a different question:

What is best for our marriage?

This doesn’t erase individual needs. It reframes them. When couples seek what is best for the marriage, it naturally includes what is best for each person, because love seeks the good of the beloved.

(For those who are in the dating phase, see How to Know Who to Marry)

The question that protects love

Marriage creates boundaries not to restrict love, but to protect it.

A simple question becomes a powerful guide for countless decisions:

“Will this help or hinder our marriage?”

That question reshapes conversations about time, money, friendships, careers, habits, and even arguments. The focus shifts from winning to preserving something bigger than either person.

The boundaries of marriage are not just rules. They create the safety where two very different people can grow, explore, and build a life that helps both become who they are meant to be.

Love endures. “Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. (I Corinthians 13:7, NLT)

But it flourishes best when two people choose, again and again, to protect the marriage that holds that love.

Good Marriage Challenge: The next time you and your spouse disagree, pause and ask how each option might help or hinder your marriage. Notice how that shifts the conversation.

**Bonhoeffer was a German theologian/pastor who conspired to resist Hitler during WWII. He was executed in 1945 for his part in a plot to kill Hitler.

“It is not your love that sustains the marriage, but from now on, the marriage that sustains your love.”

Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Letters and Papers from Prison

For more tools, read Learning the Language of Love .

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Note: I’m Kathy Rushing, formerly a Licensed Marriage & Family Counselor for over 30 years, now a Relationship Coach. 

Based in Fort Collins, Colorado, I work with individuals & couples across the U.S. We meet virtually (on Zoom) or in person at my office in Old Town.