How Do You Know Who To Marry?

Some questions to ask when considering marriage

“Mom, could you write down some questions we should be asking? We’re pretty serious, and talking about marriage,” our daughter asked. She and her boyfriend were having more conversations about the future, and knowing my passion for healthy relationships, she trusted me for my input.

This is a version of the letter I wrote in response.

Dear H,

You asked me to write down some things couples should ask each other before getting engaged. I have been slipping these thoughts to you since you were a little girl. We would read fairy tales that ended with, “And they lived happily ever after.” I would turn to you and say, “You know that’s not the real ending. They worked very hard at their relationship.” (Insert eye roll). I know you couldn’t understand at the time, but I didn’t want you to believe the fairy tale that relationships magically thrive.

What marriage looks like to a 4-year-old

One day, after I picked you up from preschool, you asked the funniest question.

“Mommy, how do you know who you’re going to marry? Are you just walking down the street one day and meet someone and say, “Hey, I think I’ll marry you?”

I almost drove the car off the road; you caught me so off guard.

“No, sweetie, that’s not at all how it happens. You marry your best friend.”

Then I followed up, “Why do you ask?”

“Well, Patrick (I can’t remember the boy’s name now) said he wants to marry me.”

And that’s how marriage happens in the mind of a 4-year-old.

First, the foundation

You have also heard me say over the years that the choice of a life partner can make life wonderful or hell on earth. I have prayed for each of you since you were little and for the person you would each marry. (Details excluded).

I started to make a long list of questions, most of which Dad and I didn’t even know to ask. But first, the foundation, then I’ll follow up with some specific areas to consider.

It still comes back to friendship as the foundation for a long-term relationship. That is what lasts when you’re up to your eyeballs in work and kids and the stresses of life. And you can’t remember the last time the two of you had 10“ alone. Or you’re so mad at him that you can’t see how you will overcome this hard time. Then you know that you don’t want to go through life without him and find a way to take the next step. To forgive or ask forgiveness. To soften. Become a better person because iron sharpens iron. And it’s hard sometimes when the forge of life seems unrelenting. You need to know that you will be there for each other and that he will always have your back.

Marriage carries with it expectations that every couple needs to sort out. When l reflect on all the things a couple needs to consider before committing to marriage, I can boil them down to two categories.

Character

The first category encompasses character. Trust, loyalty, kindness, gentleness, and unselfishness are essential characteristics of a great friend/life partner. Some behaviors/characteristics are possible deal breakers. Addictions, uncontrolled anger/rage, and controlling behaviors are reasons to “slow down and give this some time.” People can change, become sober, or learn why they fly off the handle–but it takes some time. If someone has a history of addiction, can they commit to recovery? Do they have some sobriety time before getting more serious in a relationship?

A relationship is only as healthy as the two people in it.

A relationship is only as healthy as the two people in it. While no one is perfect, these are some biggies that you cannot overlook. Suppose a person has a pattern of destructive behavior (to self or others) and is unwilling to get help. In that case, the future will look pretty much like today. No amount of love can change someone if they are not willing to take responsibility for themselves.

Expectations

The second category has more to do with expectations and compatibility. There are many topics to discuss and expectations to set out on the table to see if you are compatible. For instance, there will be differences of opinion in how two people handle money. So you begin a conversation, and you learn which differences are negotiable. For instance, maybe one of you likes to travel, the other is more of a homebody. Is this something that you can negotiate, validating individual needs with a workable solution?

One deal breaker

At least one deal breaker here has nothing to do with character. Whether a person wants to have children is not a character issue. But if one wants children and the other doesn’t–there isn’t a way to negotiate around that. Someone will be resentful, and the relationship will suffer. One of the saddest couples I saw years ago was facing this issue, and they just couldn’t move forward.

Listed below are some questions that will cover some of these expectations. However, these are conversation starters. What’s most important is to focus on communication skills.

For a relationship to be healthy, both people need to know themselves and be able to stand on their own two feet. Only then can they stand alongside someone and become their partner. Learning healthy communication and conflict resolution tools is essential to a healthy relationship. These tools allow you to deepen your relationship by talking through issues. No one feels 100% sure when they decide to marry–but dating is a time to learn these skills and listen to your gut. If your gut says something’s not right, LISTEN TO THAT. The other person may be great with good character and plans, but they may not be right for YOU (and vice versa).

Areas to explore/discuss:

Money & work:

• What are each of your career goals?
• Do you have career plans, or are you still trying to find meaningful work?
• How much money is enough?
• Do you want to own a home?
• Are either of you in debt? Plans to pay off?
• How do you handle money? Spend only what you have, or buy what you want and create debt?
• What are your thoughts about giving money/time/resources to others? Do you give money if your bills are not covered?
• What is the work ethic of each? Is one highly driven, while the other is content to stay at a certain level? No right or wrong here, but good to be clear about expectations.
• What if the woman is in a career that is higher paying than the man–how would you each feel about that?

Children

• Do you want them?
• How many?
• What are your beliefs about parenting/discipline/childcare?
• Should one parent be the primary caregiver when children come? Who would that be? Or what options for childcare would you consider?

Spiritual

• What are your beliefs? Do you practice them on your own, or because you feel obligated?
• What are your beliefs about gender roles at home, work (should women work?), and church?

Family of origin

• How connected are each of you to your families? What does it look like to leave/cleave?
• Holidays–where will you spend them? (Starting point, patterns will change over time)
• Knowing each other’s family stories helps understand potential challenges. For instance, if one grew up with an alcoholic or emotionally distant parent, how did that influence the person they are now? (I think it’s a good idea for every couple to have a few sessions with a counselor to help identify family patterns.)

So…there you are… That covers the major things.

And remember that EVEN when two people love each other and are compatible, they still work very hard on their relationship.

Love you bunches,

Mom