Holding opposing emotions is essential for a healthy marriage

How does emotional paradox play into our ability to manage conflict in marriage, especially when emotions seem so opposite?

I held this question in depth recently after learning that my dear friend lost her husband and welcomed her first grandchild within three days of each other.

I’ve been trying to wrap my brain around how someone can hold the extremes of grief and joy at the same time. Is it even possible? Or does one reality overshadow the other?

As I’ve been holding this question, other challenging situations have come across my path, leading me to think about contradictions that can challenge long-term relationships. How does this paradox present in less extreme situations, especially in marriage, where we live every day?

“He only thinks about himself.”

“She doesn’t think about a budget–ever.”

Every one of those statements likely has an exception (or many examples that would hold the opposite truth.) 

Learning to recognize exceptions to our absolute statements and allowing them both to exist is what allows a marriage to thrive. (Of course, this does not include the 3 “A’s”–affairs, abuse, addictions. These are all issues that must be addressed if a relationship is going to be healthy.) 

One day, you might feel hopeless about a persistent conflict or challenge. The very next day, your determination to make the marriage work is reinvigorated when you observe your partner do something that reminds you, “Oh, yea, there are a lot of good things about them.” Holding both realities – the hopelessness and the hope – requires emotional intelligence and resilience.

Here are some thoughts about ways to navigate this delicate balance:

1. Validate contrasting emotions. When one spouse feels despair, and the other feels hopeful, resist the urge to persuade each other. Allow space for each person’s reality.

2. Look for the third perspective. Often, the wisdom lies in the paradox itself. A new viewpoint may emerge from the two opposing ones.

3. Prioritize empathy over being “right.” Seek to understand the emotional truths behind each other’s mindsets without judgement.

4. Recognise the ebb and flow. Some paradoxes are situational, allowing you to move between different mindsets as circumstances shift gently. Being able to practice gratitude for the good in your partner helps provide time for a season to turn around. “This too shall pass” might be a helpful mantra.

5. Pinpoint the need behind an emotion. Oftentimes, outer behavior is just the tip of the iceberg. What lies below the surface are needs like safety, appreciation, or autonomy. Be curious about what might be driving another’s behavior when it seems they aren’t at their best.

Embracing life’s contradictions as a couple is an ultimate expression of intellectual strength and emotional flexibility. It’s the life raft that will buoy you through the inescapable complexities of a long-term partnership.

I’m here to help you navigate these paradoxes. Marriage is truly one of life’s great mysteries. 

If you want to learn more about how to enhance your marriage, read How to ask for change .